Overview:
In this episode, Beka shares her journey of overcoming challenges, finding her purpose, and embracing personal growth. Through candid conversations, she discusses topics like leaving a bad relationship, transitioning into real estate, and learning to prioritize self-care and self-love. The conversation delves into the importance of setting intentions, embracing vulnerability, and building a supportive community. Ultimately, it explores the power of surrender, resilience, and the transformative nature of personal evolution.
Key Highlights:
Overview:
In this episode, Beka shares her journey of overcoming challenges, finding her purpose, and embracing personal growth. Through candid conversations, she discusses topics like leaving a bad relationship, transitioning into real estate, and learning to prioritize self-care and self-love. The conversation delves into the importance of setting intentions, embracing vulnerability, and building a supportive community. Ultimately, it explores the power of surrender, resilience, and the transformative nature of personal evolution.
Key Highlights:
Welcome to Not Made to Be Subtle, the podcast that will ignite the flame within women just like you. The place where we're gonna reject the ordinary, embrace audacity, and step into our unapologetic boldness. I'm Caytie Langford, real estate investor, motivational speaker, champion of women, and your guide on this journey. In a world where societal expectations often tell women, we've gotta calm down, be quiet, be more subtle, we are here to say absolutely not. No more. No, this podcast, this is gonna be your place, your sanctuary for unfiltered conversations with badass women who dared to ask, is this it? And then decided to go after more. I've spent decades empowering women from corporate America, nonprofits, and now in the real estate industry. The truth is, my mission in life is to inspire, motivate, and impact the lives of women. I wanna help them gain confidence and take massive action. And now I want you to join me as we explore stories of courage. Resilience and transformation, but we're not here to just inspire you. No. We are here to propel you into that badass version of yourself that lies within you. You see, not made to be subtle is gonna be the place where we are going to absolutely celebrate the wins, but we are also going to talk about the messy middle. That place that sucks when we're right in it, but it's the place where real growth happens. I'm Caytie Langford. I've been through my fair share of wins, and I certainly have been in the messy middle. Together we're gonna dive into riveting stories. We're gonna have unfiltered conversations, and we're gonna give you actionable advice that will transform you into the unstoppable force that you were created to be. So stay tuned for this episode of Not Made to Be Subtle because you, you, my friend, you were never made to be subtle.
Caytie:Welcome back I am so thrilled to be able to bring you an incredible woman on this week's podcast. Today, I want you to meet Rebekah Chamberlain. She is a true culture creator and difference maker. Her mission is all about disrupting the real estate industry, setting new standards for advocacy and care. Her dedication to navigating the real estate profession, as well as the real estate world isn't just a job to her. In fact, it is her passion. It is the thing that she is super committed to. We recently talked about how she went full in on her real estate and how she is sitting right now in the place of discernment to see where she's going to say yes to on future opportunities. The thing that I love about Beka is that she has been through So much. And yet just like a Phoenix, she has risen through the ashes. She's come back stronger, more poised for future success, but all of the time, Beka remains true to who she is the vision she has for herself and the vision that she has for the world. So much of this vision is around caring for others and helping others get exactly what they want and get where they want to go. Now, outside of becoming the badass CEO that she is. She is raising her four beautiful children. She takes as much time as she can to immerse herself in the great outdoors, to explore new destinations, and to indulge in the pleasures of a good recipe or a captivating book. Beka is one of those people that you might hear and say, Wow, she sounds subtle. She has a calmness to her. That is an energy that I get so freaking excited about any time that I have the pleasure of speaking to her. But you will find out during the next few minutes with her that her journey is anything but subtle. And she definitely was not made to be subtle. So Beka, welcome to the podcast.
Beka:Caytie, thank you so much for having me. I got your email and I was like, this is definitely a hell yeah for me.
Caytie:Yes. Oh my gosh. Okay. So let's, let's jump in right there. You have done so many things. You, have your real estate business. You've been part of mentorship groups. You've launched and started a nonprofit. And yet we were talking about this idea of what you would say hell yes to. And so I just want to open with Tell me a little bit about what are you thinking about when you say no to something and what are you thinking about when you say hell yes to something?
Beka:That's a loaded question and I absolutely love it.
Caytie:And it's, we're like three minutes in and we're already starting with that.
Beka:yes, well, let's go deep. That's the way I love to live. But I think looking back over my life and the patterns that I see inside of myself that I think are so common in women that weren't made to be subtle, women that have big purpose inside of their life that it's so easy to say, yes, it's so easy to give. It's so easy to grind. It's so easy to overcommit. And then we get stuck in this cycle and for me, I would even call it an addiction to being busy, an addiction of trying to give an addiction of trying to find purpose. And I think oftentimes as high achievers, we've gone through a lot, something happened at some point in our life to make us realize what was possible and to give us the drive that we have. And oftentimes I think that's some sort of trauma and wanting to be so busy is often a response to getting to the other side of the trauma, right? Like we've healed to some point, but our bodies are still in this crazy, busy fight or flight mode. And so we find instead of the unhealthy things we used to do, we find really great things to pour our souls into, but yet we're still in this cycle that just continues and continues and continues. And at the end of the day, we're really are pouring from an empty cup. we're not finding the peace and the purpose that we're really looking for. And for me, I just realized that I was looking for that in all the wrong places that I was so set on finding my purpose that I was going to say yes to everything, but I was unable to get quiet enough to find the peace that I needed to really dive into the next level of my purpose. And so what I really see for myself and for a lot of people is we were on an island of comfort and comfort is sometimes chaos because of what's happened in the past, even if it's good chaos. And it's a decision to get on a ship, to go into the ocean, to go deep inside of ourselves, to really choose to eliminate anything that doesn't feel like a hell yes. And it's truly a feeling at first and to quietly wait and prepare and do the work to be able to have the foundation set to jump out of the plane when the right opportunity comes when the right next thing is for you and getting really comfortable in the, the discipline of doing the little things every day, not the addiction of something new, not the chaos of diving into something else, but honing in on exactly what you have and, and healing really the nervous system in the process of that to prepare for what's next.
Caytie:My gosh. Again, this is the first question. This is like the intro. So if anyone is listening right now and is thinking, Oh my gosh, I understand these words. I have been through trauma. I am in the addiction to giving. I'm in addiction to finding my purpose. I'm in the addiction to busyness. You mentioned peace and it's crazy that you said that because One of the things we wanna do in not made to be subtle is really be vulnerable and say to women like, I don't wanna just tell the great parts of your story, right? I don't wanna just share the great parts of my story because that's not where the change happens. That's not where the goodness actually takes place. And so I've spent the last probably 15, 16 months in therapy again, and I hadn't been to therapy in a number of years. And I remember earlier this calendar year, my therapist said to me, like, what do you feel like when you feel at peace? And I said to her, I don't even know what you're talking about. Because I grew up and had trauma as a child with my own family circumstances, a biological father who abandoned me an adopted father who, who was good to me, but was an alcoholic. And there was you know, a lot of tension in the home and I grew up around chaos and I thought chaos was normal, right? And so this idea of peace and this idea of getting quiet, I would love for you to share a little bit about your own trauma story, your own story of, out of a really bad situation to be able to not only just find peace, but find yourself. If you're, if you're open to sharing some of that.
Beka:Absolutely. I can give the cliff notes of where I came from. So my childhood was quite different than what we see in normal society, and I think we all have a story, and in no way do I want to discount anybody else's story, but I was raised in a religious cult, and inside of that, there was just a tiny box that women lived in. You know, you didn't really need to finish school because you need to be under a man's authority, and you're basically being raised or trained to be a wife and to be a mom and to do all of the things that a helpmate to a man would do and so when I was 19, a man was identified for me to marry and he was chosen by my father and at the age of 20, I married him We were together for about nine years, married for 10. I had three children. This man and I started an organic dairy farm and grew that into a large business, and I tried and tried and tried to fit into the box that I was told I should fit into. And as I dove into personal development and realized what was possible, my goal was to bring my former husband along with me and for us to grow together. And what happened is we continued to grow apart. And when I made the decision, after looking at my girls and telling them, you know, you can go and be and do whatever you want to. And then looking myself in the mirror and realizing what a hypocrite I was, I decided to get out of that situation. I did everything I could to try to fix it inside of it. And so as I explored the separation process, things didn't go well. It turned quite violent. Over the course of a couple of days, I put as many belongings as I could in three trash bags. So basically a pair or two of clothes for all of us and our birth certificates and, you know, documents that we needed. And one day I told my former husband that I was going to go pick up our daughter from school and donate some stuff to Goodwill. I was able to put everything into trash bags and I left and never went back. And at that time I had my three children,$3,000, the three bags of belongings that I mentioned and we started out on a new life. I had never lived alone. I did not have a high school diploma. I had never had a job or lived inside of the real world at that time. And the journey of going from that very moment to today has been the hardest, most rewarding, amazing journey I've ever been on. And I'm grateful to say now that I wouldn't change a thing. I would absolutely not change a thing about it, but there were moments that I absolutely thought I wasn't going to make it. And that first year. I lost everybody I cared about. I went to our divorce hearing and the church we were associated with, the pastors, all of our friends were there with my former husband and I was there completely alone. And I had no idea the impact that that decision was going to have on my life. I lived as a victim for a long time, feeling so sorry for myself for what I was going through. And I think what I learned through that was when we play a victim, we really give our energy away. And the person that hurts is us. as I decided to start taking ownership of my life and forgiving My dad forgiving my former husband. I also realized at the end of the day, the person I needed to forgive was me. Because being angry at other people is the protection mechanism because we shame ourselves for what happened. And as I fell in love with myself and learned to have compassion for the woman I was and the little girl and the young woman who went through all of that and could hold space for all of that together, the more my life continued to bloom and to go in a really positive direction.
Caytie:Let me ask you, because I think people at this point are, are Thinking, oh gosh, that's, that's not what I grew up with, right? Many of us did not grow up in a religious cult and, I remember the first time that you openly shared this story with me I think I knew within a few minutes of that, that we were going to be able to be vulnerable with each other and hold space for the humans that we are instead of like, And at the time we were in a mastermind group with other very high performers. And, and sometimes when you're in groups with high performers, you act right. We put on a new mask cause you're like, Oh, this is who I'm supposed to be. So obviously there were days, moments, weeks, months, minutes, hours. that were hard, excruciating, challenging. Let me ask you, cause you said you, you got into personal development, but what were the things that you did that you said to yourself that helped you realize, okay, I'm not made to be subtle. I'm not made to be someone's wife where I, don't have decision making authority, where I don't have the opportunity to go out and be educated and make money and, you know, be financially independent. what did you have to say to yourself when so much of your world was telling you, you have to fit in the box? And you were like, No, I don't. Not only am I not fitting in the box, I'm smashing the box to pieces.
Beka:yeah. It's funny, I love that question and it's funny how I really believe when the student's ready the teacher shows up. And there was a quote that I read by Jim Rohn that has been my guiding light from the day I read it even till today. And he talks about, I'm not going to quote it perfectly but, You can start wherever you are and as humans we have limitless potential and you can decide to go as far as you want to go. And as I started to choose to grow and choose to put new thoughts into my mind and choose to surround myself with good people, I Firmly believed that I just knew in my core. Anybody who makes a decision can go as far as they want to go. And the sky is the freaking limit. As long as you have the courage to jump in the midst of making all those decisions I had a dream that I had the courage to jump and I could feel what freedom felt like. And that kept me going. That kept me going when I truly for a season, believed there wasn't a higher power, there wasn't a God, there wasn't a universe, whatever you believe in. Like I, for a season, believed there wasn't that it was me and that was it because I had felt so betrayed by everything in my life, but I knew through all of that. That we can all go as far as we want to go, and it's up to us. It's up to you listening. It's up to you, Caytie. It's up to me, and anything's possible.
Caytie:absolutely.
Beka:the other thing that got me through was continually listening to other people's stories and borrowing their courage. And realizing that if other people could make it through something that should have destroyed them, That if they could, why not me? And that's part of my hell yeah to being on your podcast today to showing up as my full authentic vulnerable self, because if there's one person who listens to this and realizes they can take this step to the life that they've always dreamed of, then my work is done.
Caytie:Yeah, absolutely. One of the things that I know about Not Made to Be Subtle is we are made for women, right? It's women led, women owned, made for women. And when we talk about domestic violence, which is a cause that is both near and dear to your heart and to mine from personal experiences, we know that the numbers suck, right? We know that, that one in four women are going to experience some kind of DV in their life. And, you know, I've been in all female rooms where someone has said that and said, you know, look around, not look around to judge someone, but look around to understand that. No matter where you are, no matter how much money, what part of town, what someone's driving, where they work, where they went to college, if they did go to college, like, right? It does not matter domestic violence is one of those things that unfortunately doesn't discriminate. And so there is one woman right now listening. Who is maybe in that situation? And, first of all, if that is you and you are listening to this, I want you to know that you can reach out to both Beka and I. And we will help you in any way that we can, you know, connecting you to the right organizations and people that can help you. As Someone who grew up in a home that had domestic violence. I know what my mom is like on the other side, having gotten past that. And I don't want to share her story, but I know as my part of the story, I was an adult already helping her to get out of that. That there is life on the other side and you clearly have, have gotten past that as well. I want to shift for just a moment though. And, So
Beka:Can I say one thing before
Caytie:Yeah, absolutely. Yes.
Beka:The other thing I want to say to the woman listening to this that thinks maybe she's in an abusive situation. If you think maybe you are, you are. And reach out. Get the help that you need because you deserve so much more. And if, if you're considering it might be a bad situation, it is. And you have the courage you need to take the steps you need.
Caytie:That's so true because Sometimes when you're in it, you don't see the forest through the trees. You may think this is normal you think right?
Beka:it happens so subtly sometimes that you get sucked into it and aren't aware of what's really going on.
Caytie:Absolutely So having gone through these things, right? That's a lot I mean, frankly, Beka, what you've gone through in your life would have some women, you know, hiding under the covers for the rest of their lives. And you made the choice to say, okay, I'm going to move on. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to get my kids out of this. I'm going to become the woman that I am actually meant to be. so now you are doing real estate full time. And I want to just understand obviously. I moved into real estate investing this year and while this isn't a podcast about real estate there are a lot of people in my sphere of influence now who are, who are in real estate. So I want to hear like, how did you pick that? How did you decide I'm going to go do this and then tell me a little bit about kind of what's the success you've seen over the last few years as you've really broken out into this. Thanks.
Beka:So I started in real estate seven years ago. So it was a completely different world I feel like seven years ago than it is now. And the reason why I picked real estate was I have always been an entrepreneur. I knew how to work hard and I, Got my first job when I filed for divorce and realized that I don't have the mind to work for somebody else. I was very unhappy. I couldn't go pick up my kids from school. I didn't have the freedom that I wanted in life while simultaneously having to move out of the home that I had raised my children in. It was attached to the business my former husband and I had, and it was. The pain of moving away from that home, I didn't anticipate what that would feel like. And I remember going back to get my belongings and walking into the nursery for what would be the last time. And it was already a very emotional season for me. But walking in there, I fell to my knees. And being in between permanent homes and renting a tiny duplex that I could afford in that season, I was, as I was getting into real estate, I realized what Huge piece of our lives the foundation of home is to have a safe place to let your hair down, to rest, to connect with your family, and to go out and be the woman, the warrior, the whatever you are out in the world, it's so pivotal to have a home. And so knowing that I could help guide people home was a huge reason why I got into real estate. And I tell you, every time I sit at a closing table, I remember why I do what I do every day. And it, it brings tears to my eyes. Getting to watch people buy a second home and make the memories with their family and getting the photos and the texts of things that they worked so hard for, for their whole life. And then they're creating this legacy with their families is huge. Also, currently I made the decision or the decision was kind of made for me actually earlier this year to dive in full time. I'd always done real estate and, you know, was consulting for another company and helping them market their business and this and that because I wasn't ready to go all in on myself. But the opportunity came at the beginning of this year to go all in and And switch up the brokerage I was with and who I surrounded myself with and I'm telling you when you make the decision to go all in on what you know your calling is, the universe is gonna conspire to help you and make you successful in ways that you could never even hope or dream or imagine. You can't plan it. It just happens. And in a year where we hear the chatter of so many Real estate agents going out of business and business is down for everybody. I tripled, almost quadrupled my business this year.
Caytie:Oh my gosh. That is amazing.
Beka:Yeah, which is phenomenal and found a whole new passion inside of real estate. So obviously I still have a huge passion for guiding people home, but also have the privilege of shifting into investment and the commercial real estate and know that I will be able to help so many women, wealth through real estate. And I believe firmly that when good people are wealthy and have a lot of money, we are able to create impact. And I am so honored when somebody chooses me to work with them, to help them generate that wealth and the butterfly effect of that impact that can be made through those transactions.
Caytie:Fun fact for anyone who is listening there are only 31. 6 percent of investors that are women. And I find that number to be absolutely atrocious because we as women, we have big, bold things to do in our life. We have impact to make. And so many times, the impact that we are trying to make in the world has a dollar figure associated with it, right? Even if it doesn't start out as, as something that needs funding or needs money. Sometimes in order to scale the way that you want to, even sending your kids to the schools that you want to, right? If your impact is about being the best damn mom that you can be, you know, having the resources for your children costs money, If you're trying to be an entrepreneur and scale your business, it costs money. If you're trying to start or support nonprofits, it costs money. And so I'm a firm believer that women need to be financially independent one, but two, we need to be figuring out how we can make more money so we can have a bigger impact. And I think, you know, I'm trying not to be all, you know, against Madison Avenue. Cause we led this conversation before we got on and hit record. I was telling you about, you know, things I've been doing to my skin and my face and spending all this money. Listen, I'm spend your money where you want to sis. I totally see that but also let's not forget That all of the things that we are sold aren't actually necessary for the life that we want to have the impact that we want to have. You don't actually have to Spend all of your money in the places that somebody from some, advertising agency has told you is gonna make you smarter or thinner or prettier or whatever the new thing is that we're supposed to be doing. I know people who are spending a thousand dollars a month on ozempic that don't need it so I'm just saying, think about what you could do if you invested that money. Okay. That's my soapbox about investing.
Beka:I love it. And choose to educate yourself or reach out and find the education that you're looking for. And yes, in my professional world, it is a male dominated industry. But guys, listen, that just means there's opportunity. Like, let's not look at him like, Oh my gosh, it's a male dominated industry. No, there's so much opportunity for us. There's opportunity for what we bring to the table as women. And let's go, let's change those numbers. Let's look back in five or 10 years and realize that we're at 50 percent instead of 33,
Caytie:That's right.
Beka:because we can make impact.
Caytie:That's exactly right. That's exactly right. So, totally jumping for a minute. It's not just for a minute, but, but I want us to spend some time on this. So one of the things that you and I agree on in life is you've got to put yourself out there, You've got to say yes to things you've got to to try, If you never try, you're never actually going to change. And we started this at the very beginning of our conversation, but I really, really want to dig into this. I tend to be the type of person that moves really fast. I will make a decision and I will announce it or I'll start creating it or working on it within 24 hours. Now, a lot of people can't do that. if I take too much time, I get into analysis paralysis. I kind of, you know, make the wrong decisions. And so, I really want to talk about, though, this idea of discernment. On when you're going to say yes to something because there are other women who are saying, yeah, I'm not made to be subtle, but I don't know what my life purpose is. I don't know what the next step is. And we've talked about the fact that you have really, narrowed down in order to give yourself time and space. to grow so that the next time that you say yes, it's going to be like, you know, not even nothing, but it's going to be a thing.
Beka:Yeah.
Caytie:as someone who moves really fast, I'm like, Oh my gosh, how do you give yourself space? How do you do that? Like, what does that mean? What does that look like?
Beka:It was so uncomfortable. And I'm trying to think back to when I decided to start giving myself space. a lot of things happened for me this year. Like we talk about the highlight reel, like, you know, almost quadrupled my business and it's been amazing. And also. It's been hell, you know, whenever you reach a new level of who you are meant to be, you lose a lot of people along the way. And the grief that comes with that is heavy and it's hard and it's so beautiful because it creates space for this next version of you, but it's also really difficult. And I had the chance to travel a lot this year, which was amazing. I was in Mexico, Colorado, California, Florida. All sorts of different places with amazing people, and I lost my grandma, I crashed a car, I had another car blow up, I'm, you know, in court for stuff, we can take that out but in the midst of all of that, I just realized that I, I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and I was so busy trying to reach some goal that I didn't even know what it was, that I was missing out on the moments that really made me happy. I wanted to be more intentional with my life. I was so into this. I can handle it all masculine mode that I lost a piece of the nurturing feminine side. And I, I wanted to feel all of it. I wanted to have all of it. And so I was at my grandma's funeral and my aunt had asked some of us to share. And I just saw this common theme in my grandma's life about how simple her life was and how generously she lived, how she really didn't have a lot, but she showed up and she gave intentionally to the people she cared about. And I was like, you know what? I want to be like that. And that's when I started scaling back and that's when I started saying no to things that were going to take my energy and I, they weren't intentional yeses. And I decided that I wanted to find peace and that I wanted to be prepared for what was next, but not try to create it myself, that I wanted to trust the flow of the universe to bring it to me when the time was right. And so I'm huge on Intentions. I'm huge on affirmations and one of the things that has gotten to me through and And I think it's so important to focus on where we're going and what we're calling into our lives. And so one of my affirmations is I am calling in everything I need to have, do, or know, in order to be crystal clear on what's next, meaning the next impact that I'm going to have, and also have the foundation set so I have the courage to say yes when the right thing comes and I write that down every day and it brings me so much damn peace Because I know I know Opportunities are coming, you know an assistant fell into my lap. I'm moving forward with hiring them That's creating space for I don't know what this next thing is Opportunities are coming and I'm filtering them through is this What's next for me and if it's not clear, and if I'm not sure, then it's a no. And before I would have been like, Oh, there's just this fear of missing out. I have so much FOMO. I should just go all in and see, and no, I'm not going to miss out on what's meant for me. I'm not going to miss out on what is supposed to be. And I'm going to build my faith muscle. I'm going to build my trust muscle. I am going to build my intuition and I'm going to know when it is the next best thing. And in the meantime, I'm going to, I'm going to soak in the moments, the glimmers, the hot cups of tea, the laying on the floor, playing airplane with my three year old, the midnight conversations with my 15 year old, you know, the snuggles from my son the total middle school drama that we're going through right now. Like I'm going to just soak it all in because I know it's preparation for something,
Caytie:I'm at a place with no words, which you know for me is very rare.
Beka:let's just
Caytie:very rare. Yeah.
Beka:And that's okay.
Caytie:It's funny that you say that because this moment. That is a big moment for me and it is true. Like I'm relishing this because this is a prayer I've prayed. I have written in my journal hundreds of times, probably thousands at this point. I have deep conversations with smart, savvy women about things that matter because that's what I want in my life. Like. This conversation that we have will give me energy for probably three or four days. And then I get to hear it again when it goes out and It's funny that I didn't even realize until you just pointed it out and said that so eloquently about, you know, I just wrote that in my journal every day, right? I have conversations about women, and I've tried to force it. Let me just tell you, I've created lots of ways to force these conversations. And some, yeah, and some, most of them, they haven't worked. They haven't worked. And yet, I, I do want to dig into one of these things that we talked about, and that you mentioned. This idea of going to the next level, and losing people. Because I remember the first time that I heard this, right, when I was climbing the ladder back in the day, like, I understood that, People who I was peers with, I was going to become their boss one day and then that relationship changed. And I watched all that and I saw myself when I left nonprofit fundraising. And I remember someone saying to me like, your relationships with people are going to change because that's what they've known you as. And I was in that career for almost 14 years. That's what people saw me as. And so I did lose relationships and then when I started Bold Women Society, I lost some more relationships. COVID, I think, was a natural selection for many of us, we realized, and we're eyes open to a lot of things. And earlier this year, in 2023, when we're recording this, I stopped drinking. I eliminated alcohol from my life. And at first it was just like, Oh, I need to just take a break. Thank you. And, you know, people would say, well, how long are you going to do this? And I'd say, Oh, I'm an, I'm like 90 percent sure that I'm not going to drink again. Right. And then the longer that I've gone, probably around the day, a hundred, I was like, I'm never drinking again because I'm very clear of what alcohol does to me. And I'm very clear of who I am when I'm drinking and it's not it's not my best version. It's not the version that I want to grow with. It's just, I'm just I'm done with that version of myself. And yet I have been through so much grief this year over changed relationships. And, you know, you have described taking your business to the next level, you know, creating a vacuum. So you know what to say yes to for so many of us women. We are people pleasers we're nurturers, we're caregivers, we want to be liked, we want to fit in you know, I don't know if we just slip back into being 12 years old and like thinking we need to all be friends, but When we level up and become a different version of who we are, we are going to lose people and that's not necessarily a bad thing. And I'm not even saying that those people are bad. Like that's not what it is. It's just, they're in one place of their life. You're in another place of your life, but I want to talk to you and hear from you. How have you gone through that journey? Cause I will say, it's been hella hard for me. Hella hard.
Beka:I have so much to say about this subject. So yes, it's hard. And like, let's not discount that there is no way to take away the pain. And I think accepting the fact that is a process of grief makes it a little bit easier, honestly, instead of resisting it. So the first thing I want to say is really. One thing that has helped me is realizing that the people I'm losing they loved a different version of me and they wanted that version of me in their lives. And so although their behavior, because this relationship is no longer what it used to be, may be very hurtful to me, they're grieving the loss of the person they loved. because I'm not that person anymore. And being able to offer that level of compassion to them, even though their behavior might be hella painful, is super helpful because you can understand where they're coming from, even though their behavior may not be acceptable. That has helped me a lot. Another Mindset that has been super helpful as well. And we're talking in my life, like my circle at the beginning of this year, like none of them are here anymore. None of them
Caytie:Oh, wow.
Beka:professionally. And, and I had a very tight knit professional and personal circle, like they're gone and they have all done everything in their power to take me down in the process of them leaving. Something else that really helped me, like I got into the, like, how could they do this to me? Like, how could these people that I bore my soul to and loved and put every ounce of effort into, how could they just stab me in the back? How could they do this? And I spent a couple of weeks feeling really sorry for myself. And what, what I learned through that was really accepting people for who they are. You know, like it's okay that they're doing that. I don't have to question it. I don't have to say why me. I don't need to look and be like, Oh my God, I would never do that. Why would they do it? And, and offer my judgment to them. I can say, okay. Thank you. Thank you for showing me who you are. Thank you for showing me your hurting. Thank you for projecting your pain onto me. I'm going to allow you to keep that. I'm going to accept, I'm going to accept you for who you are, but I'm also going to respond accordingly. And the acceptance is what brings freedom. All right. That's where you're at. And that is 1000% okay. I don't need to judge it. I don't need to insert my emotion into it. I don't need to carry your projections around with me. It's okay. But I can respond accordingly and these are the steps I need to take to respond accordingly and those are are the tools that have helped me walk through the process. But then grief is waves, like allow the emotion to come. It's okay. It's okay. You know what? It's going to come like a wave. It's going to crash through you and it's going to go. And learning how to allow those emotions to come and to go without resisting them, allowing yourself to have compassion for yourself actually speeds up the process. And so you'll find that you're able to, instead of spending a whole day wallowing in the grief, you can spend 30 minutes. And then you can choose to honor yourself by getting back to it, getting back to yourself, getting back to whether it's your to do list or, you know, the things that you are called. To do so that those are things that have been extremely helpful for me in this process and then just seeing the pattern throughout my whole life and things that I've gone through of the space that is created when you level up and It is truly always darkest right before the dawn and the discomfort of the growth and losing people every time you feel that haze and and the fog and the sadness and how what, you know, recognizing what it feels like in your body every time you feel that. You're on the verge of a miracle. I mean, somebody is going to walk into your life, whether it's a professional relationship, a friendship, anything, and they are going to, to help you go to your next level. And they're going to be what you need to have the support you need as a girlfriend, as a coach, as a professional, as a client, all of those things, you've just created this space for it. And they're going to walk in like, that's not if it is when, and I think too, we, as women, you hit the nail on the head, like we want to please everybody. We're nurturers, we're givers. And at some point in our lives, we have to decide that our heart Is more important than anybody else's and that all of this giving that we have done and this desire to please and this desire to, to pour into other people, we actually need to be the first one. And if we can't cherish our heart and nurture our heart and have compassion for our hearts, then we can't navigate all of this. And that's a learned behavior I feel like in our culture, that isn't normal. And that's, and I don't mean, you know, massages and getting your nails done. I mean, nurturing your heart. I mean, having compassion for when you show up and you are grieving a loss, like don't shame yourself. Don't judge yourself. Don't resist those things, protect yourself and take care of the beautiful, amazing person you are. There's only one of you. And you're here for a reason.
Caytie:Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes to all of this. It's crazy to me to think about this grief and waves of emotion and, I will tell you, I, for many years, didn't feel emotion. You know why? Because it was easier for me to pour a glass of wine. I'm like, oh, someone's mad at me. Oh, I don't like this. I'm gonna pour a glass of wine. For me, moderation was not a word I understood or could do or had the power over. It was More, more, more, more. And so it's interesting because I feel like I'm 43 years old and I'm just now learning how to actually feel emotions and be okay with it. Because there's nothing that I can grab that can numb it. Nothing. You know, and there are, I mean, definitely there are times where I do other things. I'm like, I'm just gonna watch this TV show and try. Embrace it, but it is crazy that when you do let them come and you don't judge yourself and you don't judge your own feelings and your own emotions and you're okay, right? Like, I don't know if the message that I received was don't have emotions or don't like, don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't feel mad at yourself. Right? Like those kinds of things. But somewhere I picked that up and and I think there's a lot of us as women that we're like, Oh, just onto the next thing, onto the next thing. And not only that, but you're so spot on when you say that the next thing, the person, the resource, the knowledge, it's around the corner. And I think that living in a world of social media is really our downfall. Mark Zuckerberg has changed how we use the word friend. My husband will say, Oh, my friend, so and so. I'm like, well, you just celebrated your 18th anniversary. Who the hell is that? What are you talking? Who is that? Oh, it's somebody I went to high school with. Are they a friend of yours? Or did you know them like 25 years ago? We keep up with people and think, oh, we have to impress people that aren't even in our world anymore. That aren't even in our life. And so, you know, this idea of people coming into our life for a season or reason or a lifetime For some reason, we've got it kind of screwed up in our head because we still, like, I still know what some of my high school friends that I have literally not seen in twenty something years. I know what their kids are getting for Christmas this year, but that's crazy. And I say all of that to say, you know, one is when you spend time with yourself and you really do figure out how to love yourself. I always thought that was, like, the cheesiest. B. S. and it's just not, like, I love being with myself now, like, I love the human I am. Do I make mistakes? Absolutely. Do I fail? Absolutely. Do I get it wrong? Sure.
Beka:I have two responses.
Caytie:great, we'll, we'll end on these two responses.
Beka:So, thinking about the grief and the waves and the changes, there's nothing more beautiful than surrender.
Caytie:Yeah.
Beka:Surrender to the process and let it be what it is. And as we navigate friendships and our circles, I think as women, we're so often, you know, you are the sum of the five people you surround yourself with. And I know for me, it's like, okay, I want women who are where I'm going, like, like five steps ahead of me, you know, like, ah, I just got to have these good people in our lives. But we don't stop and think about are those five people, the ones that are going to carry me when I fail. Are they the ones that are going to hold me up when the whole world is crashing down? Are they going to understand and support me when I'm going through the grief of lost friendships? And if those people aren't there to be your support system, they're not your people and you deserve that. I think we are so much taught as we think about, you know, these friends that we hold at arm's distance or just see through the internet that we're all lone wolves trying to do this alone. And there is nothing more powerful than having that tight knit, tiny circle of people that are going to be there. They're going to be there when you get that phone call. They're going to be there when it feels like the world's ending. They're going to stand for you. They're going to fight for you. They're going to fight with you, and they're going to remind you who you are when you're having a hard time remembering yourself.
Caytie:Absolutely. Beka, where can people find you? Where can they connect
Beka:I'm at my house
Caytie:I love it! I'll just take a little trip to Wisconsin.
Beka:I am active on Facebook. You'll see the spelling of my name and you'll also be able to find my business on there. And you can find me on Instagram at the Chamberlain Difference and LinkedIn. Those are the places that I tend to hang out. I would love a message from you if there's anything I can do to support you as you navigate business, relationships. Personal growth. I love being able to bring my perspective and experience into your world. And I'd be happy and honored to do that.
Caytie:Well, Beka, I told everyone that there's a calmness about you that for me, is like, for me, it's like all the things I wanted to try and find in wine and never did. It's just this, it's, it's this greatness. And yet I think that everyone will agree that you are not made to be subtle. That what you are putting into the world, what you're growing, what you're doing, what you're gonna say yes to next. is going to be anything but subtle.
Thank you for joining us on today's episode of Not Made to Be Subtle. Remember, we're not just a podcast. No, we are a movement for women just like you. And if today's episode resonated with you, please don't keep it to yourself. I promise that there is a woman in your sphere of influence who also needs to hear this message. Please help us spread the word. That it is time to break free from those societal expectations that tell us to stay small. Also, I would love for you to hit that like button hit subscribe and please give us your feedback by leaving a comment. Your feedback is the fuel that helps us in our mission to bring you content that you love, that you want, and that you crave. Here's the thing, we want to hear your thoughts. We wanna know your story, and we wanna understand your journey toward unapologetic boldness. Remember. You are never alone on your path. We are here for you as you go about your day, carry this unapologetic boldness within you. And until next time, I want you to stay fierce, stay badass and always remember that you, you, my dear, were not made to be subtle.